A Typical LOTR fanfic MarySue Basher
by Nazgul67
Summary: Uh..SOMEONE had to do it. A Mary-Sue basher starring Legolas and Rosemary "Sue" Jaqueline - or Mary-Sue. Uh..rated T for romance and not-as-bad language. Oh, and this is a Legolas basher too XD
1. Chapter 1

**Hey y'all! I'm Sapphire (Jackie) also known as Nazgul67 and - oh, just skip the introductions already.  
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**Sorry guys, but this just calls for a Legolas/Mary-Sue fanfic for the fun and laughter of it! **

**No flamin', coz always have in mind: **

**1) I hate Legolas**

**2) I hate Mary-Sues**

**3) I can do waht I liek**

**4) And I liek annoyin' y'all Gaygolas fans.**

**5) This is a big freaking joke, okay? Not to mention I'm darn serious about this...**

**6) ? ? ?  
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**7) PROFIT**

**8) "? ? ?" and "Profit" are now officially moved to places (6) and (7). Over.  
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**9) Forgive the OOCness of this story. It's a Mary-Sue (and Legolas) basher.  
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**10) Keep those flames in. I'm enjoying it all on my couch XP**

**And finally 11) Trololololololol**

Lol, this is not a troll story XD But we all like a bit of fun, right? Also, this is to mock Legolas and some other kid's Mary-Sue XDDDD

* * *

><p>Rosemary "Sue" Jaqueline looked over her shoulder, over her beautiful smooth and bare shoulder, at her pets - Midnight the baby dragon, and Snow White the unicorn mare. She had found Midnight only a few days ago, and Snow White was given to her by her great grand aunt when the unicorn was just a filly. Aunt Emerald had once told her, Snow White was not an ordinary unicorn - if you consider unicorns to be ordinary in the first place. She said that this unicorn - had a strong feeling of magic, a stronger force around her than any other creature alive.<p>

Midnight, on the other hand, was just a dark cute dragon hatchling, who had only just hatched from its egg recently. He was mischievous, swift and incredibly intelligent for his age.

Rosemary was all of these things. Above all, she was beautiful. Her beauty was like...like dog's droppings in a beautiful still lake. Not to mention her fragrance. Her incredible scent (also known as body odour in the English language) was so over-whelming, it could make anyone fall asleep (by fainting. How cool is taht?)

And her hair. It was so silky...the tangles were so beautiful, so smooth, and so stinky. It glowed neon-purple, even though it changed every now and then, from neon blue to neon green to neon pink etc. etc. etc.

On the subject of colours that look so electrifying it blinds someone for life, we simply MUST discuss her eyes. They were the essence of all uglines- I mean, of all beauty itself. They changed colours according to her mood. When she was sad, her eyes were blue. When she was angry, her eyes were purple. When embarrased/frightened, her eyes turned a faint white. When taking a dump, they were...uh...as red as her face. But forget it. Her eyes were beautiful, and uh...yeah, what I just said.

Oh, and her voice was like an old krone - I mean, like honey. You really must excuse me, sometimes I get carried away and end up saying the truth, and not what the script tells me to. Forgive me, but let us carry on.

Don't get me started on her singing. You know those screeching piercing _terrifying _screams you heard at night in the wind - when you were five years old? Yeah, you've been hearing our dear Rosemary sing a love song again.

And lastly, her feet. No, actually...I think I'll pass (What' s that foul smell coming from my kitchen? Oh right...it's _her._)

You've all heard of "Mary-Sue" right? Yeah, you're talking about Rosemary. We call her "Mary Sue" for short. She likes it, because it perfectly explains what the writer meant her to be - beautiful, sweet, know-it-all, flawless and overall, perfect.

And perfection was at its wit's end. I mean, enough. The writer meant for me to write about her perfections and good qualities. Oh, enough about the old trout. More about the story! And this is the story of how Mary-Sues came to existence.

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I hope that introduction was enough for you. Rosemary was seventeen years old, tall, slender and flexible. She was a champion at athletics at school, and it makes me wonder if there was only one contestant in the contest in the first place. I mean - she was...great. Like what the writer said.

Now, Rosemary was back in her home, watching TV on her couch, complete with popcorn and drinks.

She was your ordinary school-girl, except she was obsessed with Lord of the Rings. Especially that elf hunk - what was his name again? Gaygolas or something like that. Oh yeah, that's right - Legolas. She loved him to insanity. So much, it made one sick.

And then one day, she fell into the TV screen, and suddenly landed in Gondor.

"Who are you?" someone asked.

"I'm Rosemary! The question is - who are _you?_" she asked, trembling with fear.

Then Gandalf came by, knocking Rosemary out of the way. Pippin, of course, was with him. And a wicked idea fluttered through the hobbit's mind.

Pippin picked up a handphone - the latest technology in Middle Earth - and dialed his cousin and best buddy, Merry.

"Merry! I have a totally flamin' awesome idea!" he said.

Merry picked up _his _phone and asked, "What idea could you possibly have now? Mordor's waging war against Gondor and -

"Yes, blah blah blah blah. I know, Mr. Know It All!" Pippin replied. "Y'know Legolas, right? That pumpkin with elf ears?"

"Sure," Merry answered. "But just what exactly -"

"I'm doing the talking here, Merry. No talking till you're spoken to," Pippin scolded. "Anyway, Legolas was always saying how he never had a girlfriend right? When Aragorn took up that elf chick?"

"..." No answer.

"You there, Merry? Anyway, I have an AWESOME idea! This'll make for a great deal of mischief! I'm sure you know about potions, right?" Pippin carried on.

"Duh..I know everything, remember?" Merry reminded.

"Yeah, I forgot," Pippin said. "But anyway, make a "Label of Awesomeness" potion. Turn Rosemary - or Mary- Sue - into an incredible undying girl who everyone likes! And then Legolas and she will have to fall in love - and - this is incredible! Whaddya think, pal?"

"Gimme a second," Merry said. "Do "Label of Awesomeness" potions even exist?"

"Uh...lemme check...no. But who cares? We'll make one!" Pippin exlaimed.

"Whatever. We'll get to it later, k?" Merry asked.

Pippin hung up, and grinned to himself. And the plan was carried out the next day.

•••

Rosemary was still shocked from falling through the TV, and her heart was like..attacking itself again and again. She decided to drink a Health Potion, and against her will, gulped down a bitter-tasting Potion of Minor Healing.

Without knowing it, she had just drank a potion of "Label of Awesomeness," and she transformed into a beautiful, amazing, and flawless girl. Everyone who laid eyes on her fell in love, whether they showed it or hid it.

And later that day, she bumped into a certain elf.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, smiling creepily - I mean, sweetly.

But the elf was staring at her, in awe and wonder. "You're...beautiful." he gasped, too amazed to find the right words to explain his over-whelmed expression.

Beautiful? More like beastly. What with the stuck out teeth, slobbery lips, cave-woman hairdo? Aw, man! I'm sorry, author! I let the truth slip from my tongue again, instead of lying the way you want me to. I'll never do it again! I Pinkie Promise! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye! (lol for the Pinkie Pie reference)

"Everyone says so, thanks for mentioning it," Rosemary smiled, flashing her _beautiful __white _teeth about. *liarjack . jpg* "And you're the most handsome elf I've ever seen or known."

"How did you come into Middle Earth?" the elf asked.

"Simple," Rosemary answered. "My teleportation skills are beast."

"You _teleported?_" the elf asked, eyes goggled.

"Of course," Rosemary laughed. "Legolas."

"Wha- How did you know my name?" Legolas asked, in shock.

"Oh, my all-knowing brain takes care of that," Mary Sue replied, casually. She caught sight of the look of Legolas's face. "Oh, and I'm a godess in the universe of my author."

"How did you know what I was thinking?" Legolas asked, more bewildered than ever.

"Oh, haven't you heard?" Rosemary asked, a little crossly. "The power of the year from the girl of the year? I can mind-read, dammit!"

Ching-ching! Love is in the air, and love hearts are in Legolas's eyes as he approaches this feminine beauty.

"You know, Rosemary," he whispered.

"You didn't mind-read, did you?" Rosemary asked, horrified. "How else will you know my name?"

Legolas laughed out loud. "Anyway, you know, Rosemary...goodbye. I hear nature calling." He ran away, the big bumbling elf he was.

•••

"Rosemary - who was he?" Snow White (Rosemary's pet unicorn) asked, her beautiful silky mane flowing in the wind as she and Rosemary rode on, with Midnight soaring above them.

"Oh, simple. He's Legolas," Midnight, Rosemary's pet _baby dragon, _answered for her. "And he's awesome! Right, Mary Sue?"

"Precisely," Rosemary said. "And awesome means awesome." She gave a piercing fangirl squeal.

"Where are we, anyway?" Midnight asked, looking around. "Mary?"

"Oh, Middle Earth," Rosemary laughed. "I just landed here, sucked in my TV - like your everyday OC. Cool, huh?"

"Yeah, it's awesome," Midnight replied. "But -"

"By my cousin Shadowfax's mane, Rosemary is such a kind loving owner, even if she gets dreamy sometimes," Snowy interruped, whispering to herself. "Don't _you _think so, reader?"

"Don't start breaking the fourth wall too, Snowy," Rosemary giggled. "I like it here. It's perfect for me. Hey! Let's ride to Lothlorien! I can't wait to see all the sexy elves!"

"_Sexy _elves? By my great-great-grand ancestor Alduin's -" Midnight began.

"Oh shut up, Midnight," Rosemary said, rolling her eyes. "Your great-great-grand ancestor Alduin's probably attacking Dawnstar again for the hundred and twentieth time."

And then the trio went to Lothlorien. It didn't take long. Did I mention Snow White was a winged-unicorn?

•••

"Jury! I, Celeborn - " Celeborn declared to all his bored-to-death listeners.

"And Galadriel," Galadriel scolded, scowling badly.

"Yes, we, Celeborn and Galadriel, hereby decree that smoking is allowed in public bathrooms, classrooms, Toys R Us stores and hotdog stalls. All those in favor, say aye!" Celeborn shouted.

"Aye..." the elves mumbled - in their sleep.

"Aye!" a certain Ranger, whole-heartedly agreed. And it happened to be our *_dear_* li'l friend, Aragorn. "Celeborn! I wish to request a request."

"Yes, O most wonderful most amazing most awesome most whatever-you-want-to-call-yourself Aragorn, we are all ears," Galadriel stated.

"Good, O fairest most beautiful most over-whelming most whatever-thou-wishest-to-call-thyself Lady," the Ranger requested. "I suppose you've heard of Rosemary "Sue" Jaqueline, your Ladyship."

"Do you mean Mary-Sue, O most wonderful most amazing most awesome most whatever-you-want-to-call-yourself Aragorn?" Galadriel asked.

"Oh yes, indeedy! O fairest most beautiful most over-whelming most whatever-thou-wishest-to-call-thyself Lady Galadriel," Aragorn replied. "And I think old Legolas is falling for her!"

"Falling for her?" Celeborn asked, bewildered. "What do you mean, O most wonderful most amazing -"

"Falling in love, O creepiest ugliest weirdest most disgusting yet craziest most eye-offending Elf whoever lived Celeborn," Aragorn replied.

"Love?" Galadriel asked. She seemed deep in thought. "Ah...an excellent assumption, O most wonderful most amazing most awesome most whatever-you-want-to-call-yourself Ranger. He appears to have the exact symptoms of a particular love disease, carried around by people who don't wash at least once every week. What do you think, O creepiest ugliest weirdest most disgusting yet craziest most eye-offending elf who ever lived Celeborn? Is this the truth or plain ridiculous?"

No answer. "I'll check on Legolas, with my fellow Rangers. Rangers! Get your fat asses over here and help me spy on our dear friend Gaygolas!"

But then it happened the hobbits were doing some spying of their own.

Meanwhile...

"Heya Legolas!" Rosemary cried out. "What's up? Was that greeting cool or _what?_"

"Cool? It was totally _awesome!_" Legolas shouted, like the crazy fanboy he was. "Uh...fighting Orcs. They keep wanting to steal my lunch money."

"You rock," Rosemary complimented. She sat down next to Legolas before putting on an act and crying out, "Lunch money! Oh, those mean old Orcs! They stole it from me! What do I do?"

"Do a Johnny Cage Shadow Kick!" someone shouted. (Get the reference?)

Rosemary burst into tears. "Oh, boo hoo hoo," she wept. "I hate being hungry."

Legolas calmly said, "Here, you have mine." He gave her the lunch money, and the result was fabulous.

"Oooh!" Rosemary squealed. "I have some money! Come on, girls! Let's go buy some Legolas action figures! Hooray!"

And she ran off, followed by a shit-load of insane fangirls.

Legolas followed her and cried out, "Wait! Why have action figures - when you can have me!"

"Oh, really?" the fangirls asked, in unison. "You mean it, Leggy Weggy?"

"No, not you girls. Mary-Sue," Legolas snapped.

Rosemary squealed. "Oh, do mean _me?_" she asked.

"Oh stick a knife up my ass," Midnight groaned, rolling his eyes. "Here we go again."

"Sure," Legolas replied. And they linked hands and walked away.

"_WHAT?_" the fangirls screamed. They tore their hair and their jackets, smashing their Xbox 360's and Blu-Ray's on the ground.

•••

"I'm bored as hell," one of the hobbits groaned, as they continued spying.

"Hell's boring?" Merry asked, the Know-It-All he was.

"It's not fun watching two lovers make out and kiss without a camera." Pippin joined in. "It's sick."

"That's it!" Frodo cried out. "A camera! This is SO going up in MySpace!"

And then the hobbits drew lots and forced Sam to get the camera, and click around with the shutter button like an obsessed idiot.

•••

After a whole hour of hugging and talking and all that junk, Rosemary made an announcement.

"Legolas, there's been something...something I always wanted to tell you.." she whispered, drawing closer to him.

"I'm listening," Legolas said.

"It's like a movie," Pippin whispered.

Legolas and Rosemary looked each other in the eyes.

"I love you."

They drew together in a passionate kiss...

And then all of a sudden -

"Whoa! Guys, check this out! Legolas and Mary Sue are in love," Pippin shrieked, pointing a finger at the two lovers in the background.

Merry, Frodo and Sam skidded around the corner to see what the commotion was all about. "Mary Sue and Legolas sittin' in a tree - K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Merry and Pippin sang, in unison.

"Some one get a camera! This is so totally goin' up in Myspace!" Frodo cried out. Sam was already taking photos like a professional.

Rosemary and Legolas stared at each other in horror, before breaking away from the kiss. Rosemary backed away shyly, before bolting off in shame.

"Oh ho ho!" Aragorn laughed. "And you said you didn't have a girlfriend, Legolas."

Legolas blushed before shouting angrily, "She is NOT my girlfriend!"

"Then what explains the kiss?" a fangirl of Legolas asked, red with fury.

A look of fear entered into Legolas's face, as he ran for his life, trying his best to protect his butt from getting kicked by all his many fangirls.

"Get the guns!" the fangirls shouted, as a whole shit-load of slutty Action Girls dressed in swimsuits flashed around snipers, machine guns, rifles, muskets and pistols. "And GET HIM! You're mine, baby! No - you're mine!"

Legolas's face was priceless. "Run for the hills!" someone encouraged, obviously enjoying himself.

Mary-Sue smiled. "Oh, I'll let him go," she said. "Come 'ere, uh...whatever your name is?"

"No! No way!" the elf she pointed to shouted. "And the name's Haldir!"

"Oh, no?" Rosemary asked. She fluttered her eyelashes like a lady wearing too much makeup, and she looked like an idiot. Who would've known she was using her strongest power - charm.

"Of course!" Haldir said, falling under the spell she weaved.

"Hoorah!" Rosemary screamed.

"Uh..is it just me? Or is everyone fallin' in love with that creepy Mary-Sue?" Frodo asked.

"Even me..." Sam said, drifting off to dreamland.

"Sam!" Frodo scolded. "Shut up!"

"We HAVE to defeat Mary-Sue! She's turning us all into - into - into Gary-Stus!" Someone screamed.

"What if she's a lesbian?" a particular elf chick asked. And everyone started screaming again, especially the girls.

The look on Pippin and Merry's faces were priceless. "Uh...Pippin? I think she had a drop too many," Merry said.

Pippin stared at the screaming people in front of him. "Yeah..." he replied. "Definately."

**Oh dear...**

**Ahahahahaha! Chapter 2 coming tommorrow possibly or the day after or the day after. **

**Oh, and I hope you get ALL the references in this chapter. And one more thing before you go -**

**Nazgulicious definition  
>Make them boys go crazy.<br>They always claim they know me,  
>Comin' to me call me Jackie.<br>**

**I am the N to the AZ, the G, the U, the L.  
>And there ain't no other kickass kick your ass to swell.<strong>

**I'm Nazgulicious... Do I sense another reference? Huzzah!  
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	2. Chapter 2

"Oh, this is SO messed up!" Pippin sobbed.

"Yeah...I guess we overdid it," Merry joined in. "_Again._"

"Guys! Guys!" Frodo reminded. "This is NOT the way to go! We are the hobbits! We destroyed - or WILL destroy - the One Ring of Power, right? If we can do that - we can do anything, right, Sam?"

"Of course, Mr. Frodo," Sam replied.

"What we need to do now, before the whole of Middle-Earth gets turned into Middle-Space," Frodo declared. "Is to make plans - and _kill her._"

And then each of the hobbits' eyes went derped like psycho Pinkamena Diane Pie.

"Great idea...Frodo, get the traps. Merry, get the lasers. Pippin, get the dynamites. I'll take the guns..."

•••

"Hey, hobbits!" Rosemary greeted, as she came to join them for tea. "Beautiful day, is it not?"

"Yeah...beautiful," Merry commented. "Such as yourself."

"Oh thank you!" Rosemary said. "_Bitch._"

Merry rolled his eyes, before giving Frodo a wink.

"Uh...Mary-Sue?" he asked.

"Yeah? I'm all ears, Merry-Sue!" Mary-Sue laughed, cheerfully. She didn't even notice how offended the hobbit was when he heard her call him that pet-name, let alone suspicious about what was to happen next.

Meanwhile, as Merry distracted her, Pippin and Sam were already tipping the contents of posion bags into the tea-cup she was supposed to drink.

"Oh, gee! I'm thirsty as hell, Merry-Sue!" Rosemary smiled, her pretty language soaring above her pretty face.

"Hell is thirsty?" Merry groaned.

But without knowing it, Rosemary drank the poisoned tea!

Immediately, she made a strangling noise, and started burning to flames. White lasers shot out of her, and soon her whole body turned to white ash. And out of the ash, another girl far more beautiful and perfect than Rosemary appeared. She was uh...almost like an angel.

"You gave me poison!" she accused, pointing a nasty finger at Merry.

"No, _I _didn't," Merry said, truthfully. Of course, _he _didn't. Pippin and Sam did. "Oh look at the time! I gotta go..uh..."

He shot a look at his friends, for ideas. "I don't know - kill a bear?"

"Alright then!" Mary-Sue giggled. "Bye, Merry-Sue!"

Merry groaned, behind gritted teeth, "I'll show YOU who's Merry-Sue alright!"

"Ugh..we NEARLY killed her!" Pippin complained.

"Stop your whinging like a little hobbit," Sam groaned. "I'm sure we'll do it this time, right, Mister Frodo?"

"Absolutely, Sam," Frodo replied. "It'll work alright...It WILL WORK."

"Hi, Legolas!" Rosemary cried out. "How's it going? Do you like _that _greeting?"

"Sure, it's awesome," a voice from around the corner replied.

"That doesn't sound like Legolas," Rosemary thought to herself. She tiptoed around the same dark corner, curious. "Hello!"

The shout echoed all over the alleyway. "H-Hello?" she asked.

"Over here, sugar babe," the unseen voice said again, imitating Legolas' voice. However, it was fairly spooky, and sent shivers up Rosemary's voice.

Rosemary wiped her sweating forehead. "I am Mary-Sue!" she declared, fearlessly. "I do not fear you!"

"Sure you don't," the voice answered. "I'm Legolas - _your_ Legolas."

"No, you aren't! You're an impersonator - and me, in my magnificence and glory, will strike you down! Prepare, ghoul, to meet your doom!" Rosemary cried out, her voice a little shaky.

"You'd dare?" the voice asked. And then from the shadows, appeared Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin - with their swords (and Frodo with Sting).

And KABOOM! There went Mary-Sue's head. Exploding when Pippin and Merry put dynamites down her dress. SQUELCH! Went her heart when Sting pierced through it. AAAARGHH! And that was her scream when the hobbits grabbed her organs and plucked them out, throwing them all over the rough stone ground. At last, Rosemary's eyes shut tight.

"She's dead! We've done it! The Ring - I mean, Mary-Sue is gone!" Frodo cried out, dancing around in joy.

The hobbits joked and laughed, before realizing they were serial killers. But they just said it was okay, since what they were doing was for Middle Earth.

But little did they know - it was far from being over. There was Gaygolas to take care of. And besides, when Rosemary Sue Jaqueline becomes the founder of a new cult the "Mary-Sues," Middle Earth's problems went from bad to worse.

**...Hmm...no references. Well, there's ONE reference - but I think y'all won't find it. Oh well, hehe.**


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